Had you been outside my home Sunday evening, you might have witnessed me outside, in a robe, demolishing a bag of smoke detectors in a fit of fury. If there is one thing I despise more than stickers on fruit, it is smoke detectors. I can post on this topic on a health and lifestyle blog with a clear conscience because they can directly impact two things we frequently muse on, stress and sleep.

Remember this scene from Dumb and Dumber? Nicholas Andre (the villain) was a little thin-skinned, no?

There is nothing more unbecoming than whining, whether from a human or an inanimate object. It makes folks want to avoid you at best, break you at worst. An over sensitive smoke detector drove me to my breaking point.

Yes, smoke detectors are alive, and I’ll prove it. Where there’s smoke, there is usually fire, but there wasn’t the slightest fume in my house. People are not the only living beings who can be over sensitive.

I took a long shower, using this soap, and emerged clean and relaxed. Relaxed, that is, until I heard the first chirp. My home was built only a few years ago, so I know my detectors aren’t old or worn out. Obviously, the steam from the shower had masqueraded as smoke and my friends were displaying overprotective behavior. I told you they were sensitive.

Y’all know Kaplifestyle is a judgment free zone. Folks should feel how they feel. I won’t judge, but I am free to walk away if someone is whining in my direction, so I did. I left the house until the beeping stopped. From wikihow.com:

Getting away from the situation helps to calm down and think things through. Even better if you can go for a walk around nature which will take your mind off the issue while you enjoy nature’s beauty. Taking a walk will help you burn off some of that negative energy instantly and can help you get away from the problem.

Thanks, wikihow. Stay tuned, I’ll be quoting Stop Whining for Dummies next.

Regardless, when I returned home, it was to blissful quiet. Just a few hours later, someone needed some attention, and the beeping began anew. I could have strolled away, but this is my house, and they were intentionally irritating me in my own space. I was annoyed, despite my best efforts to stay calm.

“Listen. You’re free to have your experience, but I want no part of it. Whatever’s ailing you, I didn’t cause it. If you continue the whining, I’ll be forced to take action.”

Yes, I was talking aloud to my smoke detectors. Judgment free, remember?

This dance went on and off for several days and nights of semi-interrupted sleep. I found myself uttering words I’d only ever heard on TV.

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

Like the child he is, my smoke detector hid. My ceilings are high. Really high, like you can’t get to them with a 6’ ladder type of high. I was being mocked, like a cat perched in a tree to a dog down below. Coward.

I nearly killed myself climbing and balancing, ultimately ripping the smoke detector from the ceiling and dropping it to the wood floor below. Finally, he shut up.

I achieved silence from him, but not from his kin.

Days later, all of his siblings were whining simultaneously. I began to go a little mad. Frustrated, I gave in and called a handyman with a tall ladder. He checked them all, fixed the one I had ripped out and gave the all clear sign.

A week later, more chirping. I wondered if my handyman was in on the cruelty. Luckily, he was willing to come back out on short notice. He replaced every single smoke detector in the house. He handed me the old ones in a plastic bag; I immediately tossed them in the garbage.

Now we come back to the scene from the opening paragraph. By 8:00 pm, they were all screaming. “How could you, you monster?!” I could hear the shouting from the length of a football field. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. I marched down my driveway, dug through piles of garbage, found my shrieking friends and committed murder. I was maniacal, but finally found some quiet.

This is how people respond to over the top complaining. Sensing some irony, huh? Will you destroy me?

Kap