The greatest way to counteract selfish behavior is to model selfless behavior.

This morning, I received a text from a respected and trusted former teammate of mine. Not surprisingly, he was looking for a way to be a better brother to his current teammates:

How can I get guys who are on the extreme side of selfishness to consider making choices with their team/organization in mind first?

The truth is that there is no formula. However, there is some science behind modeling the behavior you’d like to see in another.  From psychology.about.com:

His theory added a social element, arguing that people can learn new information and behaviors by watching other people. Known as observational learning (or modeling), this type of learning can be used to explain a wide variety of behaviors.

Essentially, when we are around cold people, consistently sharing warmth tends to break them down over time. It doesn’t happen in the first or second conversation. Building trust happens over long periods of time. It’s difficult to display selfish behavior with someone who is perpetually sharing time, resources, etc., with us. If an entire society (e.g. a clubhouse) is modeling selflessness, those not in line may be forced to adjust. From Muskingum.edu:

Albert Bandura combines both behavioral and cognitive philosophies to form this theory of modeling, or observational learning. He sees the human personality as an interaction between the environment and a person’s psychological processes. Bandura says that humans are able to control their behavior through a process known as self-regulation. This process involves three steps:

1.  Self observation- Humans look at themselves and their behavior and keep track of their actions.
2. Judgment- Humans compare these observations with standards. These standards can be rules set by society, or standards that the individual sets for him or herself.
3. Self response- If, after judging himself or herself, the person does well in comparison with the set standards, he or she will give him or her- self a rewarding self-response. If the person does poorly he or she then administers a punishing self-response to him or herself.

As teammates, we are not only looking to break others of behavioral habits.  We are looking to challenge our own assumptions and paradigms about what selfishness is. We are not all the same animal, and acceptance is often the greatest gift we can give another. Isn’t it an act of similar narcissism to expect folks to conform to our standards? Oscar Wilde says yes:

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

That’s a good way to close out today.

Strong mind,

Kap