Friends, family, strangers and colleagues judge incessantly. If you develop a thick skin, it provides an opportunity for growth.

Years ago, when a teammate would say, “Kap, you look like you’ve lost weight,” it would piss me off. I heard, “Kap, you skinny SOB, eat something, would you?”

When we are given feedback that doesn’t immediately sit well, it’s time to be rational and unemotional. The first step is to ask ourselves a logical question. “Is this true?” In this case, it was. My teammates were just declaring what they were witnessing. From Dr. Michael Roizen:

We lose an average of 5 percent of our muscle mass every 10 years after the age of 35—if we don’t do anything about it.

I was able to take their criticism and use it as fuel. While I wasn’t able to completely stop the natural aging process, I was able to slow it down some through solid nutrition and training. I’m doing something about losing muscle mass, thanks to the feedback from these well-intentioned friends.

This post isn’t about muscle mass though, it’s about judgment. Often, the criticism you receive isn’t true. I generally find myself discarding most of the content. However, I mine for elements of truth and devise a plan to shore up any discovered weaknesses, often not the weaknesses that were pointed out. By resisting a defensive mindset, I empower myself instead of my critic.

It’s important to remember that the criticism, implied or stated, often has little to do with us. People have their own agendas. A co-worker may be critical in a misguided attempt to prop up their own capabilities. A boss may be frustrated or facing a challenging personal situation and taking out their emotions on the nearest target. A friend may be stressed out and not thinking clearly. How should we respond? From mindtools.com:

The first thing to do is remain calm, whether the rhetorical slap comes from a colleague or a boss. Negative criticism can give rise to anger or feelings of inadequacy. Expressing these emotions will only dig you deeper into a hole, and give your critic the high ground. When the hammer drops, react with courtesy – and a pause. A couple of deep, quiet breaths will help settle you.

This technique is valuable. Paul Cohen, my agent when I played, often says, “Kap, wait 24 hours before responding. No good can come if you reply when you’re angry.”

Calculated digestion and filtering of criticism post conversation gives us our best opportunity to grow from unpleasant interactions. If I don’t have this wind down time after a chat and reply immediately, I lose my power. I’m reactive and emotional. This usually results in a productivity drain.

Like coming into contact with germs, being judged or criticized can and should build our immune systems. With each interaction we become better equipped to handle, learn and recover from the blows.

Strong mind,

Kap