When I decided to begin an open thread and invite your questions, I anticipated that there would be some challenging ones. I knew I’d have some that would require research and a few that simply didn’t have enough couth to address. I also figured there were inevitably going to be questions that would allow me to impact another in a difficult situation. Here’s one of those questions, from Ray:

You always describe your ex Lisa as your best friend. Were you guys friends before marriage and decided it didn’t work? And remained friends? Or is it a matter of the mother of your children and you will always love her?

Going through a rough patch with my wife Lisa and wondering how to make it work one way or another for us and our 4 year old and 1 year old.

I’m excited to tackle this one. I want there to be an additional perspective, so I’m inviting in my ex, the aforementioned Lisa, to chime in as well.

Ray,

Rough patches are inevitable when you have little tykes. They require an exorbitant amount of energy, and sometimes the lack of emotional bandwidth can limit your capability to connect with your partner. The result can be finger pointing. Assessing blame is a fool’s exercise. Instead, focus your available attention on awareness.

Lisa:

Do what you can to the best of your ability to make it work- be flexible, understanding & kind. Be an example that family is family no matter the label & that once you love someone, the dynamic may change, but that love remains, especially enough to take care of and continue to respect the other person.

Lisa being a great mother to my children adds to my love for her, but it’s not the reason we are tight. I genuinely like her, in addition to loving her. She’s bright, caring, passionate, and the best nurturer I’ve ever encountered.  Our divorce didn’t change any of those facts. We remained tight for all the same reasons we were linked when we were married.

I’d say we’re friends post divorce because we respect, value and love each other & are making the mature decision to put our kids first. I think we both like each other & spending time together is natural.

Without knowing much about your situation, brother, I’d say go easy on yourself. Folks grow apart for different reasons. Try not to fight it, if possible. Ask that your wife accept your position and be certain to accept hers.

If you’ve been following the blog, you know I preach no rules. This certainly applies to relationships. Make it yours.

Kap

Terri asks:

My question – what does the Kapler household pass out on Halloween? I’m looking for suggestions that won’t get us egged.

We don’t live in a neighborhood, so I have yet to see a trick-or-treater. That said, if they do show up, I always have multiple copies of the movie Halloween on VHS tapes. I know that kids a) will have no idea who Mike Myers was and b) won’t have a a VCR to find out. They end up playing street hockey with the rectangular plastic, exercising in the process, and we all win.

James says:

Kap, what are your thoughts on smokeless tobacco and it’s prominence in MLB? With Tony Gwynn and Curt Schilling in the news recently it’s getting out there to the masses the dangers of its use. My guess is you’re totally against it, but seeing as you played pro baseball for so long and it’s so prevalent in the game, I was interested in your thoughts on it. Do you feel MLB should ban the use of smokeless tobacco during games or do you feel it’s a choice the players should be free to make? Thanks.

I like the idea of a ban on smokeless tobacco during games. Ballplayers are big boys. They can make it through three hours. My take is not nearly as much about the well being of the men on the field, it’s more about the boys and girls watching. I often preach leadership through modeling. No bigger application.

Finally, Mike L wants to know:

What kind of organic coffee do you purchase?

I like variety when it comes to my coffee (black), but I’m a happy man while sipping a brew made from a darker bean. Chocolate tones delight me, as do hints of caramel. I’m heading to Nicaragua with my young men in December; I’ll be sure to bring back a report.

Thanks for all the questions so far. You know what to do with the comments.