We are not responsible for the health and well being of our loved ones. We can support them and lead by example, but their fitness levels are unequivocally up to them.

We recently opened up a Q&A at Kaplifestyle. The response was overwhelming.  There are so many phenomenal questions on the thread; I don’t know how I’m going to get to them all. As I often advise, when you don’t know where to start, just take the first step.

Stu came up with this doozy. It immediately struck a chord with me.

Kap, firstly I love your posts and hearing your opinion is so refreshing. A topic that I would like to hear your thoughts on is as follows. For a person that has been an athlete their whole life, always worked out etc, I find that my biggest challenge is finding ways to motivate my wife to be more physically active. Fortunately, she was blessed with beauty and a naturally healthy body/physique. As we all know, the underlying benefits of consistent physical activity aren’t always noticeable to the blind eye. I want her to be as healthy and happy as possible. I know that a consistent workout can increase her chances of achieving health and happiness. However, I can come across a little pushy and possibly have a negative effect when trying to motivate her. I hope to hear your thoughts on this sometime soon. Best, Stu.

My man. I can fully relate. My ex-wife Lisa was blessed with unfairly spectacular physical genetics, but she hates exercise with a passion. She’s the best sitter I’ve ever met. If you give Lisa a book that she digs, she’s liable to not move positions for three days. She has the gift most folks can only dream about; eat whatever you like, put your feet up and look great.

Most people I know don’t splash in Lisa’s bucket. I need to move or I don’t feel mentally sharp. I’ve become accustomed to the endorphin release. Lisa, on the other hand, has never achieved that “runner’s high.” She’s simply unable to understand why training might be addicting. She used to crack me up with randomness like, “Walking gives me a headache. Why would anyone exercise?”

I’m not a lay around type of cat. I’m a hunter. Stu, ours is an issue of sedentary vs. active. Lisa and your wife fall into the category (generally) of the former. From livestrong.com:

If you seldom engage in physical activity, you are leading a sedentary lifestyle. Being sedentary can increase your risk for health problems, including high blood pressure, obesity, cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, osteoporosis, some forms of cancer and premature aging.

That is some pretty scary sounding stuff. I’m not really concerned about that when it comes to Lisa, and I don’t think you have to be when it comes to your wife. Nevertheless, I wanted her to be as healthy as possible. I know her heart needs to beat fast from physical activity on a consistent basis; she knows it too.

What can we do with our loved ones who “gots to chill” (EPMD reference; do I really need to point this out)? Quite simply, we should embody the change we’d like to see in them. We set the example through our consistent behavior. We can also invite loved ones to participate with us. From globalpost.com:

Invite your friend to exercise with you. Research has found that the amount of time people spend exercising is associated with the amount of time members of their social group spend exercising. This means that if you exercise more, your friend may feel encouraged to exercise more. You can try to influence your friend directly by inviting him to exercise with you.

Frankly, the invitations I would issue to Lisa didn’t work out all that often. She usually giggled when I asked her if she wanted to go run sprints with me. My young men meet me with similar eye rolls. There is something about horses and water here.

When I was a lad, my musician and piano teacher father tried desperately to learn me (intentional grammatical error, just keeping pace with the previous reference) his craft. I fought desperately against it. I was trying to gain separation and independence at that point. Now, I wish with every iota of my being that I had taken him up on his kindness. I’d be money on the black and white ivory (Ice Cube, You Know How We Do It) today.

We can’t force another’s process to shake hands with our lifestyle. Sometimes, we aren’t the appropriate beings to deliver the message. The best we can do is continually open space for our family and friends to join us. That means we must fully accept the reply with a smile. We must disconnect ourselves and leave our narcissism behind. This ain’t about us.

Your wife, Stu, is not an extension of you. She is her own capable-minded woman. Separate your experience from hers. She’ll get there when she gets there. If she never arrives, your side of the street is spotless.