I’m about to bust the balls of my top 5 most ridiculous fad diets in history.

I know a little something about this. I had my own moments of absurdity on this journey. As a young player in the low minor leagues in 1996, I was under the impression that the best way to get bigger, stronger and faster was to eat no fat, tons of protein and starchy carbs. I lived on two colors, black and white. I mainly ingested boneless, skinless chicken breasts, white rice and black beans. Balanced, right?

Throughout this, I desperately craved ice cream, pie, whatever sweets I could find. Lisa, my girlfriend at the time, had no problems ordering desserts. I began the practice of taking a bite, chewing…then spitting it out. Chew, spit, rinse and repeat. It worked. I got big, strong, lean…and sick. I had colds frequently, the stomach flu at least once a year. I was a ripped, unhealthy and moronic 20 year old. I laugh at that boy now.

Now that I’ve shown I can take it as well as dish (see?) it out, I’m giving myself some permission to have fun here. On to some ideas that were just as absurd as mine.

The Sleeping Beauty Diet gained notoriety during the 1960s and 1970s, when it was purportedly championed by such high-profile dieters as Elvis Presley. The diet takes the idea that individuals don’t need to eat while they sleep to a dangerous extreme by encouraging them to enter a drug-induced state of sedation. The diet posits that over a number of days dieters can “sleep off the pounds” by sticking to a strict regimen of sleeping pills. Unfortunately, these pills were highly addictive and dangerous, and there’s no evidence to suggest that the diet produces any sustainable weight-loss.

Let’s state the obvious. If 1970s Elvis is the poster boy for the diet, keep me the hell away. Y’all know how much we value sleep for health and well-being, but c’mon. Sleep more so you can eat less and do so with Lunesta? This one takes the cake (see?).

Dr. Siegal’s Cookie Diet, The Hollywood Cookie Diet and the Smart for Life Cookie Diet all promise that eating cookies will help you drop pounds. Of course, you don’t get to chow down on chocolate-chip cookies — you eat about 500 to 600 calories a day from high-protein and high-fiber weight-loss cookies (one cookie company even makes the cookies from egg and milk protein) for breakfast, lunch and any snacks. Then you eat a normal dinner, for a total of 1,000 to 1,200 calories a day.

But my normal dinner is cookies. What do I do? Wait, I get it. This is Zen master shit. The creators of the diet want me to come up with the healthy answer. Oatmeal raisin. No brainer.

This diet fad is attributed to Horace Fletcher, who sold art in San Francisco in the early 1900s. He advocated chewing incessantly, until the food was purified, and then spitting out what remained. He supposedly had many fans, including novelist Henry James, industrialist John D. Rockefeller, and cereal mogul John Harvey Kellogg. “This diet at least has some science behind it,” March says. “Studies show if you take your time and eat more mindfully, you will feel full with less.

Oh, now I feel better about my minor league days. I wasn’t being stupid; I was legitimately practicing a diet fad. I’m so proud of myself. I felt full with less all right….less pleasure.

Want to lose up to 10 pounds in a week without ever feeling hungry? Great! You just have to load up on a low-sodium cabbage soup. It makes up the bulk of this strict diet plan, which is also supplemented with fruit, vegetables and water, as well as beef and grains on certain days.

Duh, why not just add the beef and veggies to the soup and follow two fad diets in one? Booya, now you’re Paleo, too.

After winning the Battle of Hastings in 1066, William the Conquerer reportedly grew so obese that he couldn’t stay on his horse. So he tried to lose weight by locking himself in his room and consuming nothing but alcohol.

Bill was way ahead of his time. The 20 somethings in the clubs of Beverly Hills have latched onto this diet. Iceberg lettuce plus vodka equals skinny.

What are your favorite fad diets? Chime in; I’ll be eating grapefruits.

Kap