If speaking is silver, listening is gold.

This Turkish proverb is correct. Among the most significant gifts one human being can give to another is listening. From Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D.:

Listening is the oldest and perhaps the most powerful tool of healing. When we listen, we offer with our attention an opportunity for wholeness. Our listening creates sanctuary for the homeless parts within the other person.

Alright, that was a little dramatic, but I agree about the power of the listening tool. The most meaningful approach to opening your ears is creating a non-judgmental environment for the other person to riff with his or her thoughts. If we want to support the person speaking, we should look to establish an environment of safety and confidence. The creative solutions to the toughest questions come when we are relaxed and not anxious. Timing is important. To be a good listener means being available when our loved one is ready to talk. Patience is key, because humans are often surprised and unprepared when someone steps up to offer an ear. It may take several attempts before the substance emerges from the ramble. From Robert C Murphy:

To be listened to is, generally speaking, a nearly unique experience for most people. It is enormously stimulating. It is small wonder that people who have been demanding all their lives to be heard so often fall speechless when confronted with one who gravely agrees to lend an ear. Man clamors for the freedom to express himself and for knowing that he counts. But once offered these conditions, he becomes frightened.

Think about this: In your times of trials, you may not need advice. Rather, it’s possible you have the answers to your most difficult questions hibernating in your consciousness. Your ideal scenario is the emergence of a great think partner, one skilled at asking you the appropriate questions and listening as you navigate your mind and subsequently mining for solutions. You need to talk, and in those moments, you need the gift of a skilled listener.

The unique combination of persistence and patience is especially valuable when dealing with teenagers.

My fifteen year old son, Chase, is an independent young man. He isn’t often talkative. He spends oodles of time in his room, often quietly walking past anyone in the house. He answers my queries about his life quickly, generally with a word or two. To effectively provide support for him, I have to accept and encourage that his current stage of development sees him seeking separation, while also being ready to pounce when he’s prepared to share. If I’m working and he enters the room talking about the stock market (which interests him), I stop what I’m doing, turn my body in his direction and ask follow up questions. I care less about the content of the conversation and much more about the fact that Chase needs or wants an ear. He’s developing his communication skills; I’m drilling for useful bits of information to help him feel inspired or discover answers to his questions. My aim is to instill confidence in Chase. He will get there by talking through his issues and hobbies and through more efficiently articulating his thoughts.

The management of a teenager is not dissimilar to that of an adult experiencing trials. They too need to be carefully approached and dutifully listened to. In times of stress, our human desire is to purge our disorganized thoughts so that we can put them in order and re-file them. When our partner comes bearing the gift of listening, we can grow.

What’s on your mind?

Kap