Chalk talk applies to life, not just sports.

We are coming to understand that the mental side of sports is just as (if not more) important than the physical, particularly at the highest level. More accurately, mental strength is the separator when talent is comparable. Sure, basketball players should be knocking out their free throws deliberately and linemen need thousands of sound blocking reps. But in the world of competitive sports, where the stakes are high and the stresses are higher, staying mentally strong enough to handle the ups and downs (and grow from them) is the delta between success and failure.

Traditional coaching revolves around identifying the most recent issue. We’ve all seen it – the hitting coach and the hitter after a punch out, or the receiver who ran the wrong route and runs back to the sidelines to get blown up by his coach. The blowing up part occurs more frequently in football, of course, but each vertical has its version of poorly timed, poorly executed version of instruction.

Do any of us think that the hitter is thinking critically after a strikeout in a key moment? Are we conveying any applicable information by flagging a new mechanical flaw in a moment of seething? The word “discipline” comes from the Latin disciplinare and means “to teach.” Yet discipline and punishment are far from the same things. Punishment (yelling, lecturing, running laps, cleaning the weight room) may attempt to stop a unsavory behavior, but it doesn’t teach. Our athletes have learned nothing by the coach screaming out his frustrations or pissing on a player to mark his territory.

Collectively, the sports world is moving beyond this, because we’ve learned that it’s relatively unproductive. We review game film the next day, we perform early work in the cage, and, just as importantly, we have modern day “chalk talks” – discussions in which both parties can openly discuss what happened and how to improve.

This isn’t applicable just in sports. In parenting, the stakes are much higher, and the principle applies even more. Yesterday, my 13 year old son had a birthday party and was heading to Magic Mountain, a theme park in Southern California flush with roller coasters. About 30 minutes before he was set to be picked up by his friend and his friend’s pops, he said, “Dad, do you know where my season pass is?”

Damn.

I was working, making him breakfast and looking out for the needs of his older brother. This wasn’t ideal timing. Frankly, the timing pissed me off. I was frustrated, and he could sense it. I wanted to know why he’d wait to ask the question. Deep down, I knew. He’s 13 and doesn’t plan beyond now.

During our conversation, he was visibly upset. I was too, and despite our best attempts to sharpen in the moment, emotions were running too high. This is not the time that we can learn or grow as men. When we’re feeling angry, our brains are being flooded with chemicals triggering defensive mechanisms and our “flight or fight” response. Our ability to process new information, to understand the situation, and to control our reactions is shut down. At those times, we’re focused on venting emotions, not teaching and developing.

At one point during the conversation, Dane said “I’m not organized, I lose things, that’s just what I do.”

Knowing there was nothing productive to be gained here, I pulled back from the emotions of the moment. “Dane, let’s not talk about this right now. I’m upset, and I can see you are too. Let’s just take care of the problem right now, and we’ll address the rest of it later.”

This morning, Dane and I had some “chalk talk” about what went down. We used the analogy of watching game film – it’s something we have to do every day, and this was the game film of life. First, we tried to change his language. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to slip into the fixed mindset. His “it’s just what I do” was this mindset coming up. With some time to process the situation, we were able to transition into a growth mindset and discuss what he could do differently and how I could support.

He started with the basics. He shouldn’t have waited until the last minute, etc. I encouraged him not to focus on what had already happened, but rather, what we could do to put him in a better chance to succeed?

“22, why don’t you call Magic Mountain, ask them to send you a duplicate, and then find a space to keep the pass?”

We identified an appropriate location, talked through how to store the pass when not in use, and how to plan appropriately in the future. He was receptive over a glass of orange juice, some crisp bacon and a calm father. Timing is everything.

Developing these mental skills is like developing any other muscle memory. Just as we practice our delivery or swing before games so that in the pressure situation, it is instinctive, we should practice our coping techniques away from the emotional ups and downs of life. The more deliberate practice we gain, the more naturally it will come to us when we need it.

Strong Mind,

Kap